Monday, July 6, 2009

i watched twilight...the vampire one tonight

i didnt need to see beverly hill chihuahua to know that it was the film equivalent of the devil incarnate. i made fun of it before, during, and after its release. ive never seen it. i never will see it but it will continue to be a punchline as it is pretty close to cinematic monkey tennis (thanks alan partridge).

with TWILIGHT, its different somehow. i made fun of it throughout its release and continued to ridicule it mercilessly whenever my coworkers were gushing over it. yet it wasnt satisfying and somehow i needed to know what the object of my taunts was all about. i needed to see, no-understand twilight. my friendly coworker meghan brought it in for me and after a week of the cover featuring pouty staring emo stars robert pattinson and kristen stewart staring at me, i decided to watch it.

i strapped in and allowed myself to get immersed in the emo wonder. as much as i would like to say that this was the WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME, i cannot. it was bad but ive seen worse. there are numerous plotholes, awful lines, and bad acting but it wasnt completely awful. in fact, i was downright entertained for about 25 minutes and surprisingly enjoyed the performance of peter facinelli who i normally hate with a kind of passion i reserve for hitler, p!nk, or anything with sandra bullock.

im not going to bother about the plot but i am going to talk about the things that stuck out with me the most as being nonsensical and stupid:

- bella's group of friends: they are introduced really quickly, not developed, and are completely unneeded. they do nothing to advance the plot and just waste time

- this shot: -- edward and bella playig piano together and it looks like a meatloaf video from the 80s. i winced

- the first hour which i will sum up as follows:
rpatz: ZOMG yer so hot i cant be near you
bella: i luv u immediatey
rpatz: im a vampire
bella: still luv u nomnomnom
rpatz: ::pouty stare::
bella: ::pouty stare::

- spider monkey. not gonna clarify this...if youve seen the movie, you know what im talking about

so what i did like?

THE ACTION! there was about 20 minutes of good ole vampire fighitn'
DR CULLEN! i thought he was a cool character

so, my main criticisms and things that pissed me off were with plot discontinuity and the its idiotic young stars. i actually thought the story was alright and i now plan on reading the book (after the kite runner, wolf at the table by augusten burroughs, persepolis, and a random book on silent russian cinema.)

on my twitter, ive had a nice consectutive streak of making fun of @rpatz. he is a dick. he is constantly complaining about his fans, stardom, appeal, and profile. ::boo hoo:: the world weeps for rpatz. stupid up cedric diggory and kristen stewart, who has turned into an absolutely wooden and horrible actor. what happened!? she owned one of my favorite moments in panic room

Meg: [on loud speaker] Get out of my house!
Sarah: Say Fuck!
Meg: [on loud speaker] FUCK!
Sarah: Mom! "Get the fuck out of my house"!
Meg: [on loud speaker] Get the FUCK out of my house!

thanks imdb!

there was chemistry between rpatz and kristew but it was nerdy and teenage but wasnt that the point?

im not the target audience for twilight. cinemaphiles who enjoy czech surrealist film and sigur ros arent the chosen demo for anything related to twilight. since i wasnt completely disgusted, i can understand the ardent fervor over the film and the culture. if i was a teenage girl maybe i would be into it. maybe if i was a girl, id be into it but for that matter, if i was a girl id also have breasts and never leave the house as a result. boobiez rokz.

its a good thing this blog is stream of conciousness because i cant consider erasing that statement. sOc bitches

this is actually an incredibly favorable review of twilight because i got about 15 minutes into high school musical 2 before i had to tap out. that was just way too out of my world ::shudder::the happiness. at least the faux morbidity and emo goth-ness of twilight harkened to my high school days.

anyway, twilight is of course not my vampire watching of choice. i am currently watching true blood (amazing!) and let the the right one in was one of my favorite movies of last year. those are more my demo.

ok, time to tweet about @rpatz!